Emotional Baggage

September 2007
Friendster

When We we're younger, parang ang simple lang ng buhay...you just want some ice cream (yung nilalako lang ni Mamang surbetero sa labas ng school ok na) or some Ice candy or cotton candies...
I been feeling down for almost a month now, I wasn't really sure whats on me...i just that, i am felling depress more often now adays...its as if i can't find the reason to smile about anymore, I don't want to talk to anyone, i just wanted to wallow by myself, sleep and forget everything! I just hate feeling this way... its not healthy anymore...
I don't know what I want, every Sunday, I prayed to God for the strenght to go on, to let myself snap out of this depression...I have a thousand and one reason to be thankful about,what more do i need? Why I do feel this way? Why do i felt so lost most of the time...insecure...lonely? .
I am beginning to hate this new me, this is not me... I hate it! I hate it! I need to be productive, I need a new hobby, I have to meet more friends, I have to go out...lately, I been like a monk, I never go out, my worlds revolves around just work, house and him...and somehow, this limits my world, It changed me...
I realize that from the time, i found him, i was making him responsible for my happiness, my world just revolves around him, my thoughts focus only for him...and i knew its wrong, we are two different people...my happiness doesn't depends upon his happiness...he has his own life to live and I have mine...its nice to think that one day the you and me would be US, but as for the moment, this is not yet a reality, we are still two different people with two different needs, I should have not depended on him too much for my own happiness...and i am sorry for that...in the process I am losing trust and maybe pushing him away...I should have been matured enough...but then, this is all new to me...and in the end, it hurts me...not because he wasn't there more often, but because I been too dependent, i have too many expectation... and its sad, somehow, I am still unsure on what to do next, should I let go and find myself...or should I hold on and hope that he'll be there to catch me when I fall...
I am really confused on what to do...I am not sure if I would be too selfish, if I let go or If I hold on...I'm not sure really, If I let go, I might hurt him... If I hold on, I might hurt him too...and what about me? The decision I will make, I know I would be hurt, I wanted to let go...why? because I wanted to analyze/reevaluate myself? What I want, what I need and who am I? But can I not do that with him beside me? I don't know... because as for now, i cannot think life without him, he became a part of me...from the moment we holds hand, I knew, my life would never be the same again...but in time we were together, i wasn't expecting to be lost...to be insecure, unsure of myself, and thats the hardest part.. i wasn't prepare for that...maybe because I still believe in fairy tales...of happy ending, the ever after, a prince charming rescuing the damsel in distress...funny, thats my down-fall...that is why, sometimes, i am thinking I would be kinder to both of us if i let go...I don't have to constantly, fight with him, interrogate him, or ask him nonsense question...it was never his fault...its all mine, I know...its me who's becoming insecure...its my insecurity...and little by little its killing me...M