Why is it always me...

I was reaaaallly fissed of! To the highest level! And to my friend of all people!!!! Y -O-Y this always happened! Its the second time now...it is as if she really picking me for a fight!

2 in a row! Should have seen it happening but really i was trying hard not to noticed...but then it happened again...it really make me sad! and angry and really really feel bad!

My little own Wolf pack

i missed jacob, so much! I wish i didn't have to give him away..but four puppies is too much...but missed him..so.. :(

The Lettuce Couple

I think I'm an addict...really supper addicted to this couple. I'm a bit late(about a year and a month late)...but still can't help but love them... theya re so natural together. The're sweetness are not so obvious but..still its tickles my funny bones

Looking back...

Its been a while...

When I read what i have written then...I'd say wow! She's really in bad shape! I can't believed, that the person who wrote those blogs is me...she's seem so lost...sad, pathetic...

It seems like ages ago, but to think its been only a year or 2.....Let just say I am no longer that naive little girl, who believes in fairy tale, happily ever after and never, never land with Princess and white knights and love at first sight kind...but i don't know that girl anymore...the naive me. she's gone forever..

But i wont missed her...I am glad to know her..but I am more glad to see her grow and moved on. Able to see the world as what it is and whats its all about...

Foolish me?

Its been 3 months, I thought i was over him...i should have been...but why do i keep checking his Friendster account? Why would I still trying to look for his pictures...secretly? Foolishly...how funny human is...how funny i was and still is...i have successfully deceived all those people around me, even myself...that I dont care anymore, that I have moved on. That I am okey now, but the trueth it's all been a lie...I am much better actor than I thought...



After, well a number of times of foolishly checking and rechecking, I have finally hit "jackpot"...i saw a new pics of him smilling, looking happy. I felt so cold, i was angry...why are you smilling? Why? You shouldn't be smilling....why? You have no right to be happy after all of what you've done to me! How dare you to smile! While I was hurting inside! How I hate those pictures! How I hate you! and how I hate myself for still hurting....how foolish I am.

Friends...

Friends in your life are like pillars on your porch.Sometimes they hold you up,and sometimes they lean on you.Sometimes it is juz enugh to know that they are standing by""

Someone I knew before texted me last night...i was quite a surprise hearing from him again, coz as i've said, he've been gone for quite a while now...its been nice talking with him again. He is one of those people i become friends with even though we never really saw each other regularly...actually I've seen him last, I think around 2003...almost 4 years now. But we never really did lost contact...he will pop-up every now and then...update me about whats new with him and so on...

There are people that even though you haven't seen for a while but you knew they are there and you can always be sure who are happy to have known you...and vise versa. And I felt so blessed to have found people like them...so I don't think i should be sad this Christmas even though someone have rejected me....he is alone on that area...while I have lots who would welcome me open arms and accepted me for who I am and what I am... =)

December 13, 2007

Office



Last night, sobrang gulo na naman ng panaginip ko...nandun na naman sya...or he wasn't there but he was the topic of the discussion...



Ahhhhh, grabe, kailan ba ko nya ba ko papatahimikin? Sobrang pagdurusa na dinadanas ko...wala naman akong kasalanan nagawa sa kanya...my only fault was i loved too much...

2007-12-11
Category: life
Txt
WAYN-Asha Summer Blog

Send by me

it says:Paulit-ulit lang naman tayo d ba? d ka ba napapagod? ako medyo pagod na...d ko na yata kaya lagi ka unawain.. So ok na, Ur free 2 do na whats makes u happy..ayako na magali, whats the use..wala ka na dapat isipin..now atleast wala na ko dapat expext from u, wala ka na ring obligasyon skin. D ko sure kung tama ba 2 but if u have a better suggestion para mapabilis ang lahat, would youi please tell me about it, later when i call u...it says:maybe what im trying 2 say is, if u could give time 4 other people atleast makita man lang din me ng effort from u or maramdaman ko man lang n importante din syo and relatin nation..but i guess d ko un nakikita or maybe i was expecting 2 much from u...sorry but this is who i am sori if i fail u somehow...(this was sent when i ask for a 2 weeks cool-off)Received :August 26, 2007 (2:15 pm)- Different number (0921401345...)it says:mahal, d2 me laguna, my pasok p pla kami mimya, gwa ala dw psok 2mrw eh, nubos po load ko nkitxt lang me, his nameReceived ctober 23, 2007 (8:00 pm)it says:Late kna umuwi ah, yngat ka,Received ctober 24, 2007 (7:16 am)it says:gud am po, o.T. po ako pauwi nko yngat k po pgpasok.Received ctober 24, 2007 (5:55 pm)it says:bkit po? Yngat k pasok npo ako.Received ctober 30, 2007 (8:36 am)it says:honest naman ako syo.Received ctober 30, 2007 (8:48 am)it says:Ikaw ng sbi nyan indi ako.Received ctober 31, 2007 (9:19am)it says:indi po, pinapauwo po agad ako s bahay mi2ya, maaga daw kmi pu2nta sa mga lola s pasig bukas, paki sbi nlang ky nanay hapi b-day.Received ctober 31, 2007 (9:23 am)it says:opo, tyo p po, s nov. 16 my gmm,dun ko ng pormal sa2bihin n mgquit nko sa union.and thats it..no more txt..untill now..i was left asking what happen... last Nov. 16, umasa ako..subalit anu ang napala ko..he erase all our picture together at Friendster...what does it means? magpapakatanga pa ba ako? D ko pa ba alam kung anu ang ibig sabihin nun, magbubulag-bulagan pa rin ba ako...its over..and he was just to cowand to tell me face to face...thats what he always said things what he wanted to say..hisdi nya sinasabi..pinaparamdam lang nya..and that hurt...more...


1 comment
He didn't quit the union...he tried resigning earlier than Nov. 16, it was made Nov. 9...but he didn't contact nor say a word...He stays as President untill now...I knew he was just using the Union issue to get away...i was just to blind to see...Comment by AshaSummer / 2007-11-23

Accepting whatever happens happenes

2007-12-11
Category: life
Accepting whats happens happened
WAYN-Asha Summer Blog

Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do specially when you have set your mind that this time...its forever...but there are things in life that happenes without reason...without explanation...it just happened...and we are left asking why? and sometimes lost...Almost a month ago...something happened to me that left me so lost and hurt...someone I thought I could built my future with left without explanation nor reason...he's gone...for good.I felt, then as if my world falls apart...i felt so alone...unwanted...scared...ugly and all negative amotion a human being could ever felt...I keep asking myseld why? whats went wrong? Anu bang kulang? Was it me or is there someone else? Anyway...it all in the past now...every now and then...it still hurt, but life must go on..what ever Gods plans for me...i just have to TRUST HIM...i may never know the reason why he left or he choosed to say GOODBYE...and somehow i am not interested to know anymore...i just have to let go and hopefully someday...when i look back...i won't feel the pain of remembering him...and when the times have come and our path accidentally crossed again...i can look at him without any feeling of regret nor hatred...

Unshed Tears

WAYN blog
Asha Summer

2007-12-11 Category: life
UNSHED TEARS
Date : December 11, 2007Time : 11:35 AM
Place: Office

Today, will be the last time I am writting about the pain of letting go...of a dreams and a love gone...The truth is until now...for the first time, i'll admit this...i am still holding on and i am still hoping he'll come back and beg for me to accept him...I tried so hard to deny this even to myself...and I am an IDIOT, a fool to continue doing this to myself...but this time I have to wake up and admit the fact that this is never going to happen...he is happy now without me...he never wanted to return nor wanted a future with me...and all the words that has been said and all the promises are just that...a word without meaning and a broken promises...It hurt, and i am not really sure until when it will hurt...i wish I could cry about this and then afterwards...everything will be ok...but its not that simple...no matter how many tears i cried...the pain remains...maybe thats the reason why i didn't cry...right after he finally end it and say goodbye...even though i knew its final...I opened my friendster account today...i was supposed to cancelled my account...i thought too much memories...but somehow...something stopped me for cancelling it...maybe its the false hope...that somehow i still matters to him...a fool me...i just change my status to single...i said to myself...if i really want to cancell it..i could cancel it later...but i have to think hard before i do it...coz i knew calcelling it is not reversable, once its done...my account will be lost forever...So, i didn't. And so, I run some errand outside the office and return around 2:45 pm...and when i check my friendster, guess what? He change his status too, from married to single...as if he just waiting for me to make the statement...and it hurts i must admit and it angers me...so bad i wanted to cry...then he also have erase my comments to him, and that hurt the most...and this time i knew i have to finally accept the fact that its over...he have move on...and so i must move on now too...and finally I now cancelled my Frienster account...i hope this would be the end of it...its FINAL...no more hope of him coming back...us being together again...this is it...its GOODBYE FOR GOOD...i just hope my heart can finally accept that...its FINAL its OVER...MOVE on...

Unshed Tears

U N S H E D T E A R S
Friendster
Singularlyhappy
12.11.07

Sheena Easton - Almost Over You
I saw an old friend of ours today she asked about you I didn't quite know what to say heard you've been making the rounds 'round here while i've been trying to make tears disappear...... Now i'm almost over you i've almost shook these blues so when you come back around after painting the town, you'll see i'm almost over you........ You're such a sly one with your cold, cold heart maybe leaving came easy but it tore me apart time heals all wounds, they say and I should know 'cause it seems like forever but i'm letting you go..... Now i'm almost over you i've almost shook these blues so when you come back around after painting the town, you'll see i'm almost over you..... I can forgive you and soon i'll forget all those shattered dreams although you've left me with nothing to show full of misery.... Now i'm almost over you i've almost shook these blues so when you come back around after painting the town, you'll see i'm almost over you.......
There are things in life, no matter how much you wish for it...or even work hard to have it or prayed for it ..when its not really for you..it just won't be yours...
And it ends today..whatever little hope i have in my heart, it dies now. It's time to really, really, really wake-up and face the fact that it is OVER and time to move on...I promise this will be the last time...that I'll think and write about this...I can forgive...and hopefully in time, i can also forget.
I'll forever mourned all the childhood dreams you have ruined... I am letting go of that dreams, it cannot be done...I know I must STOP being foolish in believing in a happy ending...thats for fairy tales...kids believed it...grown-up knows better...
So, this is it! Goodbye to all the broken promises and shattered dreams...goodbye for good...I wish that time will come that I'll be able to look back and remember you without sadness or bitterness...
O Lord, sometimes when tragedies strike, I felt like giving-up. Help me pick-up the pieces of my life and MOVE ON in FAITH.

Emotional Baggage

September 2007
Friendster

When We we're younger, parang ang simple lang ng buhay...you just want some ice cream (yung nilalako lang ni Mamang surbetero sa labas ng school ok na) or some Ice candy or cotton candies...
I been feeling down for almost a month now, I wasn't really sure whats on me...i just that, i am felling depress more often now adays...its as if i can't find the reason to smile about anymore, I don't want to talk to anyone, i just wanted to wallow by myself, sleep and forget everything! I just hate feeling this way... its not healthy anymore...
I don't know what I want, every Sunday, I prayed to God for the strenght to go on, to let myself snap out of this depression...I have a thousand and one reason to be thankful about,what more do i need? Why I do feel this way? Why do i felt so lost most of the time...insecure...lonely? .
I am beginning to hate this new me, this is not me... I hate it! I hate it! I need to be productive, I need a new hobby, I have to meet more friends, I have to go out...lately, I been like a monk, I never go out, my worlds revolves around just work, house and him...and somehow, this limits my world, It changed me...
I realize that from the time, i found him, i was making him responsible for my happiness, my world just revolves around him, my thoughts focus only for him...and i knew its wrong, we are two different people...my happiness doesn't depends upon his happiness...he has his own life to live and I have mine...its nice to think that one day the you and me would be US, but as for the moment, this is not yet a reality, we are still two different people with two different needs, I should have not depended on him too much for my own happiness...and i am sorry for that...in the process I am losing trust and maybe pushing him away...I should have been matured enough...but then, this is all new to me...and in the end, it hurts me...not because he wasn't there more often, but because I been too dependent, i have too many expectation... and its sad, somehow, I am still unsure on what to do next, should I let go and find myself...or should I hold on and hope that he'll be there to catch me when I fall...
I am really confused on what to do...I am not sure if I would be too selfish, if I let go or If I hold on...I'm not sure really, If I let go, I might hurt him... If I hold on, I might hurt him too...and what about me? The decision I will make, I know I would be hurt, I wanted to let go...why? because I wanted to analyze/reevaluate myself? What I want, what I need and who am I? But can I not do that with him beside me? I don't know... because as for now, i cannot think life without him, he became a part of me...from the moment we holds hand, I knew, my life would never be the same again...but in time we were together, i wasn't expecting to be lost...to be insecure, unsure of myself, and thats the hardest part.. i wasn't prepare for that...maybe because I still believe in fairy tales...of happy ending, the ever after, a prince charming rescuing the damsel in distress...funny, thats my down-fall...that is why, sometimes, i am thinking I would be kinder to both of us if i let go...I don't have to constantly, fight with him, interrogate him, or ask him nonsense question...it was never his fault...its all mine, I know...its me who's becoming insecure...its my insecurity...and little by little its killing me...M

Hello...

Hello, writting is always been my way of releasing tensions & thoughts...I am not much of a talker...it was always been hard to express myself verbally...I have a number of blogs in a number of sites and I though why not comfiled them into one..so here it is...

My type of writtings are sometimes chaotic and I knew there are lots of typographical errors and as well as grammars, but I don't care...as long as I could write my thoughts and I could understand it...thats all that matters...

Well, just happy reading?

Friends

To All of my Friends...
Friendster
SingularlyHappy
12.4.07

Well, what do you know...my blogs causes quite a stir...
First of all, I wanna say thank you all for the concern, GUY's really I AM OK...you know me, I am not the type who easily runs when there's a problem...I am stronger than that...my sincerest thanks, I really appreciate it.
Second, I am really sorry if you all felt left-out...coz I didn't say anything during the "you know"... Please bear in mind that I didn't say a word because its something I have to work-out myself...its my own trial, its my own problem...I have to solve it or get through with it...alone...its the only way to grow. I'm a big girl now! =)
But it doesn't mean that I didn't need you ...I did...and knowing that you are there...makes me stronger... because I knew, that when the burden becomes too unbearable...I can always runs to all of you...
Time will come that I would be able to tell you how was it...and what happened..or maybe not ( I think it's much better to JUST FORGET? )...anyway thank you guys and I am always be blessed to have you all in my life! Cheers for the friendship!
December 04, 2007

Full Circle...

Full Circle...
Friendster
SingularlyHappy
12.1.07

Where to begin? Let me start last year, Oct. 3, 2006. The day I made a decision to try to alter mylife and hopefully begin a much better and richer existence. I was 27 then, full of hope and fairytale dreams...
It was a good start, simple and calm...it's OK, i was never looking for anything extravagant...i am easy to please, i am contented for what ever I could get... I just hope for a happy family, bright future, a home with white pence and all its trappings... happily ever after fairytale ending...so naive.
Then, Oct. 16, 2006, I had to move away...I wasn't a sudden decision...all concerned knew of the fact....it was time to move on...it's time to broaden my horizon...I've been stuck on "my comfort zone" long enough, five years and I've given enough...so its time for a change of career...this was for me as much as for the those i love dear.
New career, new environment...long commute, long working hours but its OK, its worth it...the new challenges of work were different and i strive for it...it was really a new beginning. But on the other hand..when my career been going well, the other part of my life was going down hill. I don't know what was it..but i felt it...it was falling apart...I tried to ignore it...done everything I could to save it but...its no used.
I never heard one word of complain...not a word...but i felt the difference somehow...the more I asked and the more I tried to reach out, the more I felt the distance...
... i tried holding on for a while and tried very hard to ignore the coldness of once warm and comforting arms...but its hard when you knew it's over...as time passed by, you'll eventually looses your grip specially when you felt that you were there alone fighting for what you thought was worth saving... what else is there to do? But to let go...
Starting over is never easy...i knew, because I've been there...but all wounds heals and pains goes away...I knew what happened changes me, a part of me will be lost forever, but its not bad...it only means I grew-up and I learned something from what happened...and it will be OK...it's never easy but its possible...
This year, I've come FULL CIRCLE...I loved, I been happy, I been Sad, I fight, I loose, I cried, I moved on and I've won! I'm stronger now...
Thanks to all my friends and my family who are always there...those who never ask questions but offers a shoulder to cry on...even though they don't know whats happening... they are still there to support me...whether its my fault or not...they are still on my side, cheering me up...Thanks!
A year from now...I don't know what will become of me...or where would I be...all i know is...there is a bigger world out there...and endless possibilities...and I am looking forward for what God have in store for me...and I am ready!
December 01, 2007

21 days...
Friendster
SingularlyHappy
11.20.07

Separation would always be painful...d ko alam san mas masakit dun sa nang-iwan or dun sa iniwan...some said sa iniwan...because most of the times, they were unaware of the things that's happenning...nalalaman lang nila kung kailan iniwan na sila...and most of the times this was devastating to the people left behind...because they don't know...and they were left asking why...and the answer you cannot be find anymore 'coz its to painful to asked the person who knows the anwer...and you were just have to let go...without knowing the reasons...and hopefully move-on...
This was hard, moving-on...i knew coz I've been there...when those things happens...somehow you doubts yourself...and thats the saddest part...when all of your life you are contented of who you are and what you are...and things happens and you ask yourself...was it me? At one point...you'll lost your confidence and you feel so low, ugly and unwanted...and you'll hate yourself.
But as times goes by, you'll be out of it...you'll eventually learned to love yourself again..

A dream...a nightmare

A dream...a nightmare
Friendster
Singularly Happy
11.19.07

I dreamed of a happy family last night...we were at the park together with two of my chilhood friends enjoying the sun and strolling with a baby in tow...it was such a wonderful dream...and I triend hard not to wake-up...coz i knew when I do it will become a nightmare...and I will be hurt once again knowing this will never happen...
In my dream, I was so happy and contented and so was he...he was holding the stroller and its a pink with little ribbons and laces...i was guessing its a baby girl...but i never saw the face of my baby...never the less I knew she was there...happy. And I was so happy too, I am laughing with what my friend was saying...i felt so carefree and loud and just happy to be there...and when i look at myside he was smiling as if he was so happy to be there too...I really wish I could stay in that place forever. But slowly...my consious mind interfree...I woke up....maybe its his face that woke me up...its bring me back to reality...knowing that could never be.
It was such a torture...when I look at the clock, its only 11:40 pm...I thought I could never go back to sleep...I was actually afaid to close my eyes, at the same time i was craving to dream that dream again, where for the first time after 20 days I felt safe, contented, happy and at peace once again...even though I knew its just a dream. But eventually I fell as sleep once again, dreamless this time..and I am thankfull because most of the times, if i woke in the middle of the night I couldn't go back to sleep that easy...God is so good He let sleep again ...
But still that dream hunted me...is it as if my mind is teasing me what could have been...if only...
I wish...this will end soon...how long will this go on? A year, a month, a week? I wish there would come a day...that i'll wake-up and and I will hurt no more...
November 19, 2007

Holding on...or letting go...

Friendster Blog: November 4, 2007

Ang hirap magsimula...ang dami kung gustong sabihin pero, di ko alam kung panu sisimulan...I am not used to sharing my thoughts to anyone, most of the times I rather keep it to myself and work things out my own way...but there are times na di mo na talaga kayang itago ang lahat...you have to let it go, otherwise you'll crack...explode or go insane?
Gosh, this is hard! ...you can never guess how hard is it for me to write about my thoughts and feelings...but i have to do this,its the only way...
Ok, bakit ba ko nandito ngayun? Maaring pagsisihan ko ito afterwards but for now...let me just do it...habang I still have the courage to let you know how I feel right now...
Sobrang gulo ng isip ko, as in I can't focus..I can't eat, I can't sleep and I can't even focus at work...so I decided to stop for a while baka makatulong...kakahiya naman kc sa boss ko, sobrang dumi na ng Ledger na ginagawa ko...ok, back to the reason why I am here. Well, i think something important have ended today, my relationship with someone...hurt? Yes, like hell! But I haven't cried yet? I wonder why? maybe because I still feel numb inside, maybe tonight, and i dreaded it...when all the numbeness is gone, where would i be...its so hard to think that, that someone you build your word around for more than a year is/was not part of your world anymore...parang ang hirap magsimula...my mind stop working ...but i wish its not my mind who have stopped...I wish it could have been the heart...mas mabilis siguro noh?
People say that I am too kind, too diplomatic...an angel...I never hurt anyone nor have an intention of doing so...I leave a simple life...I have a simple dream...simple lang and gusto ko...but bakit ganun...

Sad Thoughts...

Freindster Blog : October 2007

Have you ever experience being surrounded by people but still you felt so alone? You felt so cold inside, eerie and gloomy...and you laugh and smile but its all fake..coz deep inside you felt you don't belong?
You hate the feelings...its so dark and negative but you can't help it...life's seems so complicated and sad sometimes...but come to think of it, it shouldn't have but most of the times it ends that way. Maybe its part of growing-up...when one passes through the phase of loneliness...they'll find true happiness and contentment in the end...but what if one's cannot? Maybe those are the people who committed suicide or end-up insane? Right!
Anyway, why would someone felt this way? Really..why? I don't know.... maybe its boredom, you felt incomplete, or rejected, unimportant or maybe because you are asking for what you think you deserves but in reality its impossible?..or maybe you are simply burn-out. I don't know...but its hard and scary and at the same time frustrating...when one is used to be jolly and carefree...its hard...well trying to hide loneliness is harder...but you know most of the times it works too...but not for long.
When you're all alone with your thoughts, specially at night, you can't sleep, loneliness creeps in and well you felt ...cold...and you wish you have someone to talk to, but you're afraid they wouldn't understand your fear and end-up being laugh at? Or vulnerable or weak in their eyes?
This feelings I know is ridiculous, 'coz in the back of your minds, you know it's not true...but still you resist going with your love one's and pretend in front of them that you are okey...that you are happy and nothing change.
Well, maybe because it's really a personal struggle, something that only the person who felt that way can make his/herself snap-out-off it. Definitely, once its over, you can look back and laugh at yourself... in how ridiculous you acted! That's it...if you succeed it burying your own demons...otherwise, you'll end-up in the morgue or in the street...singing, dancing in the rain?...scary ha? Well...its your own demons...its your own struggle...nothing can help you but yourself...your happiness defends only on how you handle things..or perceive some situation...happiness starts within...
Well, I for once...shall stop by at the grocery store, later...maybe a pint size of mango flavored ice cream...can cure this? Don't you think???? Well, Hope so...it works before...

I just wanna forget everything...and move on!

Hi5
Nemisis journal

I just wanna forget everything...and move on!
10 11, 07 1:08 PM
Why does it have to happen? Why do I have to feel the pain of being there but not being seen...worthless, unneeded...I knew in my heart, I am worth more than that, I deserves more anything...but he's action makes me feel so wothless and inadequate...I just want to forget everything! ..Just let me move on...